A marijuana and PTSD addled brain tries to remember the things my mother said while she was alive
I’ve just woken up from my night’s sleep with a deep sense of grief and my first conscious thought being “my mother is dead”, again.
It’s coming up on two years since her death, after a 9 year battle with breast cancer that she lost that she gave up on that she got too tired to keep going that she quit and left me. I don’t know, she is dead and gone. It metastasized from her breast to her lymph node to her brain to her spinal column. I need to go get genetically tested and mammogrammed and all of those things at age 35 to watch out for myself.
I’m afraid I’m going to forget the things she told me during life. Here are some of them.
“Let it go like water off a duck’s back”
anytime I got frustrated at the world, my job, my friends, my father.
“Imagine yourself like a leaf floating down a river, stopping in the eddies but drifting carefree”
also when i got frustrated and called her to vent
(my man just came into my office to talk to me and i said in a choked voice “i’m writing about my mother right now”)
“you are the most boy crazy teen i know”
after asking her if i was gay during my teenage bisexual confusion
“the five stages of grief are cyclical, and they never come in order”
“its time to move on from therapy or a certain therapist when you just keep repeating yourself over and over and over”
(i’m taking my antidepressants right now)
“happy birthday, its 5pm. are you awake yet??”
thankfully i have this one as a saved voicemail audio file
“who left this kitchen counter saturated in lemonade mix?”
“you need to ask yourself why you care about his approval”
about my father
“you don’t want to work at dairy queen, you want to go to college and get a degree”
(I feel the medication starting to kick in)
“help your mom with this quest! i need to go to scarlet monastery”
mom shaming me into not hanging out with my friends in World of Warcraft and instead helping her low level self with quests
“I can’t watch my baby smoke weed!!” *turns away*
right after taking a hit of the glass herself
“let’s watch practical magic”
“why didn’t you eat breakfast??? stop right now and eat breakfast”
me trying to dodge my mom because i’m going to miss the bus
“stop fighting, i’m the one with cancer and i’m the one dying right now”
to me and her wife
“you don’t need money to have children”
shaming me about not having children yet
please note that while some of these statements may be factually incorrect if anyone wishes to dispute them they can fight me
“you need to check out this cool website, it’s called Google and it’s going to be a big deal”
1997? 1998? 1999?
“second life is the future, look at this medical training facility we have been building for work!”
on the USF health facility she built virtually
“i am sorry i wasn’t here”
after leaving me and my brother in florida with my father and stepmom for a year and a half in my teens, after losing her job for the second time probably for being a butch lesbian in tech and not being a cultural fit, after staying with her mother my grandmother in north carolina
“i am sorry i was a bad mother”
she wasn’t
“florida is going to legalize gay marriage! you need to come down to witness me and barbie get married”
on the first legal day of marriage equality in Florida, January 6, 2015
“i am shocked Florida legalized gay marriage before it became federally legal”
“you get one trial marriage. if it keeps happening and becomes a problem, then i will be concerned”
on my divorce
“it was a great party and it was more about family anyways”
consoling me on wasting her money on an extravagant wedding and divorcing a year later
“you need to look at yourself and ask why do you keep dating men that need you to take care of them?”
“did you drink enough water?”
at any ailment that presented itself
“being gay is not deviant”
her correcting me in my teens
“stop and think about how you are using that word”
her scolding me for my 2000s teen use of gay as a synonym for stupid
“i remember watching Tiananmen Square on tv when I was in labor with you”
“you were an easy baby, your brother however…”
“fine, i will do a tarot reading”
her first and last tarot spread that i pulled for her. she asked for her 5 year plan and I pulled death for the future
”you were a pizza and beer baby”
in reference to my large birth size after delivery, an occasion where the doctor buys the staff pizza and beer
“karma means what you put out into the world will return to you”
her explaining why she named the stray meowing outside her door and she subsequently adoped Karma Kitty
“i used to ride unicycle and play the accordion”
“i quit smoking”
a phrase i heard many times
“this popcorn is stale, i’m going to get a refund”
every time at the movie theater. her only note of Karen
“my spirit animal is a rabbit, whenever i see them in the world i feel a sense of peace and calm”
i call them kindred animals now and i’m sure she would agree if she were alive.
“let’s go to the beach and watch the sunset!!”
“i love sarasota, it’s quirky and gay and artsy”
“the sarasota pride committee is being dramatic again”
on her volunteer work with Sarasota Pride
“you get the big balls from your mom’s side of the family”
in reference to how i keep rolling my ankles from having big balls on my feet
“let’s go to that chocolate place again”
in reference to max brenner’s in new york
“hibby biscuits!”
in reference to hibiscus blooming
“when it comes to identities, i would say being gay is 4th or 5th on the list and mother is first”
“let’s go watch the latest angelina jolie movie”
her forever crush
“my favorite flowers are calla lilies”
a fact i learned on her deathbed when i asked
“i am your computer god!”
a fun fact she told the nurse who was struggling with a computer after her double mastectomy. mom worked at that very hospital as IT director and was high on all the painkillers at the time
“look at this lil tiger kitten i’m going to adopt, she’s the runt”
in reference to her future furbaby Neko the calico
“i need to save all the babies”
in reference to all the ratata in her house in Pokemon Go
“i just like to watch the thunderstorms roll in over the swamp”
in reference to a beautiful 3rd story apartment she had in the Tampa boonies
(i’m not sure how many more i can do today, it’s starting to hurt again)
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